Job Adverts

For more job related amusement go here

What they say and what they actually mean.

The examples below were taken from an issue of the Nursing Times (God Bless you magazine for introducing me twice to people desperate enough to employ me).

‘The service is dedicated to providing progressive and developing care.’

The service is attempting to implement a wide range of newly minted contradictory guidelines. You will be expected to understand, justify and implement them.

‘Following a recent major review…’

Due to recent complaints a major review has had to be carried out to prevent closure of the service.

‘Our committment to staff is reflected by our comprehensive development, which provides opportunities to attend a wide range of courses’

We will pay you to attend work. A minimal number of training courses will be offered. Staff numbers will prevent attendance.

‘Applicants should be self motivated…’

You will be working under minimal supervision, with minimal support.

‘… have excellent communication and networking skills’

Because nobody else here does.

‘Further professional qualifications would be an advantage’

But not necessary as no one else will have them anyway.

‘Be flexible’

..like a door mat. For you will be used like one.

‘Dynamic, motivated, experienced and forward thinking ward manager’

Knows everything relating to new government guidelines (more than management) and can implement them.

‘…challenging but rewarding position’

Extremely difficult but extremely difficult position.

‘Have drive enthusiasm and good communication skills’ (management )

Be able to smile whilst lying to your colleagues.

‘…will be expected to bridge gaps between existing services’ (management)

You will be expected to deal with all the clients no one else wants.

‘Rapid promotion’

F grade at least within a year. As you will be the longest serving member of staff.

Take note…

If there is more than one position on offer.

Many staff have left, rapid turnover. Possibly too expensive to live there

If they offer you money.

They are desperate. See above.

Full Page Advert

I don’t know how much a full page advert (or a half page) costs in the Nursing Times. I’m willing to bet it is a sizeable chunk of my annual pay though.

Familiar Looking Advert ?

Some trusts have such chronic retention problems they spend a fair amount of money making a nice looking advert then keep on using it time and time again.

[11 May 07 - This is the oldest post I have. Just edited it to fit in with the site style better. - Mental]

[From a post by Spirit Of 1976 - Mental ]

On Friday we’ll be having a visit from the NHS trust, begging us to take a job with them when we fail qualify in six months time.

Those about to qualify as RGNs rather than RMNs will be directed here.

I’ve had a brief look at the list of vacancies available. Here’s a sneak preview of my options.

Acute Inpatient

Our trust is currently recruiting for a Band 5 RMN who’s decided they don’t like talking to patients after all, and would rather just be an office monkey. Key skills include doing cool trick shots off the ward pool table, rolling a ciggie while simultaneously talking on the phone to the consultant, and the ability to say “I’ll be with you in a minute” without making it sound too much like a bare-faced lie. Our recent adoption of the Care Programme Approach will provide you with vast reams of paperwork to fill out, thus sparing you the horror of ever having to interact with filthy unwashed patients.

Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit

We have a vacancy for a built-like-a-brick-shithouse rugby player. Our client group will give you the unique opportunity to be a CIA agent, somebody’s dead Auntie Doris and the Voice of Lucifer simultaneously.

Elderly Mentally Infirm

Are you unencumbered by professional self-esteem? Are you happy to work in a job where RGNs will tell you that mental health nursing is “not proper nursing” and RMNs tell you that EMI nursing is “not proper mental health nursing” while both ignore the fact that you do the work of an RGN and an RMN combined? This role will also provide excellent opportunities to be covered with body fluids from every conceivable orifice. You will be required to have an in-depth knowledge of manual handling regulations, so you can flout them on a daily basis.

Community Mental Health Team

In this post, you will work with people who have stared into the very abyss of despair. People who’s lives have no meaning, and have nothing the but the hell of the past, the futility of the present, and the yawning horror of the future. Your role will be to prevent these poor, benighted souls from finally giving up completely and ending it all. These pitiful wretches are otherwise known as social workers.

As part of the selection process, you will be required to drink a cup of tea from a mug caked in thick layers of tannin and grease, in the home of somebody who hasn’t washed or tidied their house for six months, and look like you’re enjoying the tea. You may wish to demonstrate additional skills in discretely tipping the tea into a plant pot while the client is out of the room.

Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services

Our CAMHS team has a number of vacancies for dynamic individuals with a detailed knowledge of emo, goth and mosher bands. This post offers unrivalled opportunities to work with parents who want to blame their poor parenting on ADHD, and adolescents so mentally disordered that they think My Chemical Romance are actually challenging.

More experienced individuals may wish to apply for the following roles.

Aspergers Syndrome Nurse Practitioner

To apply for this post, please fill in the form leaving a margin of exactly 1.32cm around each paragraph, and attach a voluminous collection of railway timetables to the application form. The application should be delivered to the main reception desk between 2.30pm and 2.31pm, while avoiding walking on any of the cracks in the floor tiling.

Clinical Nurse Specialist in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

To apply, please complete a

Drug and Alcohol Services

Our drugs and alcohol team requires an RMN with an extensive collection of psychedelia, reggae and stoner rock CDs. Dress code requires staff to dress in tie-dye, kaftan and beads, like a STINKING DIRTY HIPPY! I mean honestly, the 60s were over 37 years ago! Have you really not got over it yet, you filthy hippy? Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix are dead! Got that? Dead! Hippy! Car driver required.

Series Navigation

Cynics Guide: Psychiatric Hotline Protocol»