1. Why do most patients abscond from hospital ?
a) Zest for life and love of exercise.
b) Dislike of hospitalisation
c) God told them to do it
d) Like to watch fat staff running.
2. You go onto a ward. It is very, very quiet. Do you:
a) Assume the Muppet Show is on the television.
b) Presume the ward has been shut due to funding issues.
c) Say “It’s very quiet”, loudly, then run away
d) Stick your finger in your ear and waggle it.
3. First day on ward. Someone asks how to get off the ward. Do you.
a) Panic and run away.
b) Ask them who they are.
c) Show the Consultant how to get off the ward.
d) Pretend to faint.
4. You see a sectioned patient running up the hill outside the ward. It is raining. Do you:
a) Wait for them to collapse.
b) Close the window, it’s raining. Then close the blinds.
c) Shout out the window for them to buy you some cigs.
d) Summon assistance, chase them.
5. You find a bath tub full of water, the tap is still running. What do you do ?
a) Turn the tap off.
b) Find out if anyone is running the bath.
c) Wait for an alligator to jump out.
d) Soak your feet.
6. A patient begins to shout at you for ‘stealing his thoughts‘. Do you
a) Return his thoughts to him. In a box.
b) Blame it on another member of staff.
c) Offer him some tin foil. For a hat.
d) Speak to him calmly. Discuss it.
7. You make a minor drug error. Do you
a) Confess all to a friendly member of staff.
b) Take some lorazepam to calm yourself down.
c) Use someone elses signature.
d) Get the prescription changed.
8. You have a useless student’s end of placement assessment to do.
a) Write illegibly, very illegibly.
b) Complete assessment after they have left.
c) Moan to university, early and often.
d) Suggest a career involving simple repetitive tasks.
Scoring
Question 1
a) Nil Points
b) One Point
c) e
d) pi
Mental Health Practice, can’t remember which issue, actually had an article which came to this conclusion.
http://www.nursing-standard.co.uk/mentalhealth/index.html
www.solent.ac.uk/law/mjls/papers/andoh.pdf
Question 2
a) i points
b) 1 points
c) Nil Points
d) Pardon ?
Never point out how quiet it is. Really, it is the kiss of death and you will be blamed.
http://allnurses.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1277
http://www.kermitage.com/html/epguide/tms/tmsseasons.htm
Question 3
a) An unoriginal nil points.
b) 1 point
d) .
This happened early on in my acute career. There’s a fight between looking like an idiot and asking for help, and being an idiot and making a spur of the moment decision. Luckily the period of not being able to decide should pass quickly.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/whisperingibis/18087723/
Question 4.
a) Pick a number, half it, nil points.
b) Not funny, reset score to zero.
c) A little funny, add 5%.
d) 1 point.
Don’t chase them on your own. You need someone to help you back. You could also hum the music to Chariots of Fire.
Question 5.
Nil points for any answer. I actually got asked this at my interview. I have no idea what the ‘right’ answer is. I did get the job though.
Question 6.
a) Half the number I am thinking of.
b) Zero points !
c) Bzzzzz.
d) 1 point.
Question 7. You make a minor drug error. Do you
a) 1 point
c) Nil points, absolute zero.
d) Some points divided by three point one.
http://www.mentalhealth.com/drug/p30-a04.html
Question 8.
a) ~# points.
b) I’ll tell you later points.
c) 1 point.
d) Go on, I *dare* you.
Results
If you got a proper number well done. You have passed.
Anything else you didn’t pass as much.
If you scored zero good luck working at Burger King, McDonalds won’t have you.
