Table of contents for Cynics Guide
- Job Adverts
- Cynics Guide: Psychiatric Hotline Protocol
- Define My Madness ?
- You Don’t Have To Be Mad, But It Helps
- Better Than Butlins ?
- Stop In The Name Of My Law !
- Sectioning Detrimental To Self Esteem
- Avoiding Becoming A Patient
- Cynics Guide: Staff Retention (Part 1)
- [Cynic's Guide: How To Blog]
- Cynic’s Guide: Not Taught At University
- Major And Minor Psychoneurotics
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are, where you live and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can send someone.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.
If you are hallucinating please be aware the thing you are holding next to your head is about to bite off your ear.
If you are borderline, it doesn’t matter which number you press– no one will answer.
If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.
If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are depressed, no one cares.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.
If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you are possessed by Satan press 6 three time.
Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.
This version stolen from http://www.pendulum.org/humor/humor_psych_hotline.html
Then amended a little bit more by me.
Tags: cynics guide, hotline, humour
5 comments
July 23, 2005 at 11:28 am
elliecat
I’ve seen a different version, but I love yours! I can think of several other possibilities for borderline…!!!
Hope you are ok.
x
July 23, 2005 at 4:24 pm
Mental Nurse
Feel free to add more
Yes I am fine.
July 24, 2005 at 8:46 pm
elliecat
* If you are borderline, please remember the 24 hour rule when you call. Leave your number and we will call back if we feel like it.
* If you are borderline, press 3 then hang up, redial, press 3, hang up, redial 3 then give up, cut yourself, take an overdose and head to your local A&E.
July 25, 2005 at 4:19 pm
survivorworker
lol, i like your alternatives elliecat :o)
how about …
* If you are borderline, please hang up, self harm and proceed directly to your nearest A&E, as nothing we say will be helpful enough anyway
;o)
i have an .mp3 of the “irish mental health hotline” message - is kind of like that but obviously out loud and in an irish accent
July 26, 2005 at 12:56 pm
macca7
Very funny! And if you are depressed, well what’s the point. I wouldn’t press 2 if I were you.