Except there’s only 5 in this post. Expect Part 2 to follow.
OSB and me were going to collaborate on this, but his ongoing technical problems meant that he couldn’t. However some of the suggestions are his and were better than mine
1. Assume the Lactulose bottle isn’t sticky.
Lactulose is like custard, because it doesn’t always do what you think it will. Custard is a Non-Newtonian fluid
which means that it stops being a liquid on impact. Clever that.
Lactulose is a medication that makes it easier to poo, but is so sticky it should seal any sphincter.
But it doesn’t!
Science can be marvellous.
2. Walk mud across a carpet during a home visit.
Having taken a seat as invited on the other side of the room, any thoughts of developing a therapeutic relationship quickly disappear as you see beautifully outlined footprints leading directly to your seat. The carpet of course a light shade of beige, while the mud closer to black
3. Promote your good work.
Before you know it, you will appear on the front cover of “Aren’t we just Brill”magazine (edited by The Trust’s Department of Propaganda) having your hand warmly gripped by the Chief Executive. This will of course bring you to the attention of the Borough Manager, who will, in an act of unconditional spite, start to plan how to close down your service and move you to a different and far less useful post. That’ll learn you!
4. Tell a service user: “in a minute”.
Every child over the age of 2 years knows that this means: “go away and hopefully you will forget about it.” By the age of 2 years and 1 month they also learn that going on and on is the only way to ensure they get want they want. When Service Users hear “in a minute”, their childhood memories flood back causing a realisation that they are being treated like a child resulting in a return to previously effective behaviour. This involves waiting 1 minute, and then asking again. Traditionally, nurses repeat the cycle ad nauseum, until either the service user is ground down and asks someone nicer, or the nurse gives in with an effective display of High Expressed Emotion. It’s just so much easier to help in the first place.
5. Go to a manager for clinical advice.
In order for a nurse to become a manager they have to swear an oath to Mammon . This ceremony takes place in the forest during the Winter Solstice. Prospective managers are paraded naked around a burning effigy of Nye Bevan, after which a red-hot £2 coin is inserted into various orifices, as a reminder that no service need cost more than that. This ceremony causes severe brain attrition. They used to know something, but now only know how to mess it up.
Any advice they give will be useless, and deniable if it all goes wrong.
Lactulose still isn’t as disgusting as Fybogel, especially if you leave it a few minutes before drinking it. Like drinking orange-flavoured wallpaper paste. (See also: any drink into which you’ve put thickening powder)
Calogen is also revolting. Like peanut-tinged Dulux.
On another practical note, it is important to never assume the seat you are going to place your bottom on is dry and/or clean.
oh, forgot to finish that post, that is in direct relation to number 2 on the list. (how appropriate!)
A long time ago, when I was a young student nurse, I remember a very serious charge nurse, in a confused elderly ward, tell me.. “The first rule of nursing is… never accept a malteser from a patient”.
Here’s one…
A psychiatric nurse should never miss out on an opportunity to have the last word in a debate such as this one:
http://randomreality.blogware......29315.html
Enjoy
Biploarmo,
You have put me right off the packet of revels I was saving, fortunately they’ve stopped making the peanut one.
“The first rule of nursing is… never accept a malteser from a patient”.
I was actually told that on my 1st placement!
Greetings,
I am thinking about embarking on Mental health nursing course at college. I currently work in financial services. All your comments are making me feel abit nervous. Can anyone tell me some brilliant things about Mental Health nursing…..not including maltesers or revels. Is it a good career move???
Hi thinkingaboutit. There have been lots of posts and comments on the subject of “should I be a mental Health Nurse” on the blog. Like the one here which links to a few others.
It is a brilliant career, but not to be taken lightly.
What’s brilliant is that when we do it right, we are afforded the ultimate conmpliment….people trust us enough to let us try and help them, welcome us into our lives when things are at their worst, tell us their secrets and have faith in us. Service users are the most brilliant thing about being a mental health nurse.
It’s brilliant, when despite the fact that some hate the mental health system and how it treats them, what is ultimately most important is the relationship we forge with them.
Its brilliant when you see the first smile in months, and when people take the first step to putting their lives back together.
It’s brilliant when you can say goodbye, because they don’t need you anymore.
Still interested?
Hi thinkingaboutit, go for it! It’s a very rewarding job with lots of opportunities and challenges. Helping people to get better is wonderful. The worst parts of the work have nothing at all to do with the clients – it’s the things that get in the way of face to face contacts such as paperwork, targets, meetings etc.
When do we get part 2?
10 things a Mental Health Nurse should never do 2: The is currently on hold because the producer felt the script for part 1 was a bit disapointing. Studio Moghuls are looking for a new writing team.