I decided to stay at home (no surprise) although I’ve got kindof mixed feelings about this. Although I feel very relieved at not being forced to go into hospital I’m still really struggling to keep myself “safe”. I don’t really know how to describe what I’m thinking of (and don’t want to give anyone else “ideas”) It kindof feels like I’m walking a tightrope just now (without a safety net or harness!!)…… sometimes it scares me that I’ll “fall”, at other times I hope I’ll “fall” and at other times I feel compelled to make sure I “fall”. I don’t feel able to continue manage this myself safely although don’t really know what would help me to manage this. For the most part I have no interest in keeping myself “safe” for me (in fact it’s not what I want at all) but have massive guilt at what not staying “safe” will do to my family. Having woken up to the consequences and impact of my last attempt, I can’t pretend to myself that it’d be ok to do this. Although still there’s terrible temptation. Having stayed at home I have access to the following “support”
- I see my GP (although as I go as infrequently as possible – monthly for sicklines)
- I’ m being encouraged/made to see the psychiatrist weekly for review. I find this difficult as I get scared of going to see him and don’t talk to him. The psychiatrist tends to ask me what he can do to help/support me when I see him but this is an impossible question to answer as he doesn’t tend to say what services could be provided. (I think I’m supposed to know because I work in a related field)
- I am “allowed” to phone the “crisis team” for support although haven’t found this particularly helpful. I phoned last week on a REALLY bad day where I felt unable to resist making myself “fall” off the tightrope that I’m walking and was advised to “take a bubble bath, use aromatherapy oils or flick through a glossy magazine” I knew that I could phone back later if I felt worse but just didn’t think there was any point so acted on the stuff I was thinking of before the call.
I do know as well that my attitude to going to hospital and seeing the GP and seeing the psychiatrist isn’t helpful and will try not to be such a nightmare about this.
I really don’t know what to do or what would help me to stay “safe” at home although maybe nothing will. I would appreciate ANY advice (if at all possible, please don’t tell me to avoid killing myself by having a bubble bath though). L
Tags: Help Wanted, sectioning
3 comments
September 19, 2007 at 10:15 pm
elliecat
I remember a crisis team telling me the same thing when I called them, feeling suicidal. I ended up in the bath, with a razor blade, cutting my wrists. Fortunately, the irony of the whole thing occurred in time and I got out. Not a big fan of baths since then though…
A few years back, I was in a similar place emotionally to how you are describing hon. I can’t really tell you what helped me, except that I had to fall very low and go through a lot of humiliating experiences to get back out the other side. I am getting stronger. I am a teacher and my job is good and I generally feel fairly sane. I look back a few years and wonder how I had the energy to be so maladaptive…
This is all sounding very flippant and it shouldn’t. The emotions you describe are unbearable. They suck out any positivity and make everything around you feel wrong and evil and corrupted. It was through deciding that I had to go it alone that I found my way out. I ignored the people telling me to reach out and ask for help. I cut off all contact with MH Services and I stubbornly set unrealistic targets for myself. I’ve reached quite a few of them, healthy and unhealthy. I sometimes wish I could talk to someone, but I got where I am by not doing that, so hey!
This might have helped, it might not, but the time it took you to read it was probably better spent than by running a bubble bath!
EllieCat
xxx
September 20, 2007 at 7:18 am
beakie
I’m so sorry to hear you aren’t feeling much better. This arrangement you have with services is not set in stone, goingslowlymad. If you feel that you are no longer able to keep yourself safe at home, perhaps the next step up would be the input of the home treatment team (if you have such a thing in your area) or maybe even a (voluntary) stay in hospital. It sounds to me like the advice of the crisis team was very poor, and if you ever feel up to it, perhaps you’d think about making a complaint about that.
I’m also inclined to ask - are there times of the day when you feel safer than others? What is different about those times? By thinking of this, you might be able to identify those things that help you to feel safer.
September 20, 2007 at 2:55 pm
goingslowlymad
Elliecat – thanks for sharing your stuff with me. I a lot of ways I feel that going it alone is the only solution – however it turns out. It feels like if I “give in” and admit that I can’t keep myself safe at the moment then the only option that I’ll be “offered” will be hospital. There doesn’t seem to be any “middle ground” in between being locked up in hospital or staying at home with no support. I feel that if I can’t find another way to keep myself safe (other than hospital) then I won’t learn to cope with feeling like this and worry that anytime that I found myself in this situation it’d always come down to having things taken out of my hands. I need to find some way to deal with this or hospital would only ever delay me being able to act on things. It’s just really difficult though (if you hadn’t already noticed I’m very contrary) because although I feel like I need to be able to “learn” some kind of coping strategy and get myself through this I really don’t feel able to completely do this on my own. Tried to be as honest as possible with the psychiatrist and think I was as clear as I could be about how much of a struggle I’m having keeping myself safe at times and had my medication increased, have an appointment for next week and was advised to try “vigorous exercise”, maybe going or a “run”(do you think he forgot about the PTSD and agrophobia with this suggestion?). I assume from this advice he reckons that it’s unlikely that I’ll follow through on my plans and maybe I should trust his judgement of my situation. I’m just never sure of his assessment of what’s going on with me though – when I see him it feels like he’s dealing with me as the person I used to be (as I’d come across him in work situations as another professional) and don’t really think that he sees how I am now.
Beakie – thanks for your response too. I have been trying to think about when I feel “safer” than others and it’s really difficult to identify what this is about – my brain has turned to mush and I could only really identify when it is more likely for stuff to feel worse. This won’t come as a surprise to anyone but things are definitely more difficult the longer I am without sleep. Difficult to solve though. For the last 9-10mths, I’ve tended to sleep for about 3-4hrs (every 3rd night) - on other nights I don’t tend to sleep. I have been given a low dose anti-psychotic to try to help with this although no luck so far (lots of different meds have been tried). I think that at times I “stop” myself from sleeping as when I do sleep I have horrendous nightmares.
By the time I’ve gone a night or two without sleep I’m really knocked off, see stuff, hear scary stuff have more PTSD symptoms and definitely feel a lot worse in terms of suicide. Maybe could be “knocked out” for a bit although know my doc won’t do this – anyone know any good vets to anaesthetise me??
Sorry this response is so long - hope it makes sense and isn’t too strange. It’s difficult to organise my thoughts just now as I’ve been awake for far too long.