New Government Targets driven by new research evidence

In healthcare and government leadership, responsibility and direction has more or less been driven by the need for a healthier nation. For the larger part this means ensuring living for a long time.

So it is somewhat shocking and revealing to find this article that provides a new and significant departure from what might be considered traditional medicine.

In this article it is clearly stated:

People who have more birthdays live longer

What implications is this astonishing fact going to have on healthcare for now and the future?

New government targets are aiming to achieve a target of 70 birthdays for each person.

Special task forces have met and have identified the formidable outcome improvements for people who have in excess of 80 birthdays in a life time! How is this longevity occuring? Argument has erupted around whether it is the type of birthday party or the number of presents people receive at birthdays.

Either way, the government have wasted no time at all in making an immediate mandate to increase the number of birthdays each person has from 1 a year to 3. But the implications for this are going to be costly.

Already the NHS has priced the replacement of the pharmacy with a bakery and has approached HJ Wedding Cakes suppliers to purchase as many birthday cakes as they can knock out for an immediate improvement in the nation’s Capital health outcomes. Australia has similarly purchased several Cheesecake Shop franchises in attempt to get ahead of the game.

Senior NHS staff are undertaking research into the maximum amount of birthdays that can be held in a hospital admission. Some departments have given most surprising results, such as one A&E setting with patients who have been able to hold 2 or even 3 birthdays on each attendance. They have subsequently been awarded a Centre Of Excellence Gold Standard Award for this innovative achievement.

One NMC spokesperson has revealed that planned changes to the Nurse Training will include learning to sing “Happy Birthday” in 26 different languages.

Nurse Practitioners have begun setting up some protocols on how to hold a birthday party and special training courses have been set up at the amazing price of 4-99 uk sterling each.

Some centres of excellence are developing ways to encourage patients to hold more than the new government minimums to having 5 birthdays a year and thus improve health outcomes. Others have suggested a complex case-mix scenario where every young patient admission should be matched by the admission of an older in-patient partner in order to avoid distorting average ages. However, this has been considered by some as cheating.

Other Parliamentary questions that have been asked:

Should we un-ban smoking? Tho they are out of breath from smoking and can’t blow out the candles, at least someone will have a light.

We should include the 9 months gestation period to improve outcomes.

Of course, this also means that those born on a leap-day will be likely to die at a much younger age and this issue is currently before the European Ethical Council for Abortions Help to Meet Targets.

Next week: Birthday Party Polyclinics.