Tributes are being paid to nurses after practically the entire profession laughed its self to death following the publication of “Releasing time to care: The Productive Ward” released by the NHS Institute for Innovation and Improvement.
It is believed that most of the countries nurses would have died instantly on reading the publication distributed yeaterday but a few may have survived long enough to raise the alarm late last night.
Small groups of volunteers have been venturing into the nations hospitals since midnight only to find the nursing accommodation full of dead nurses gathered around copies of “Helping the NHS to reach its full potential”. By dawn RAF helicopters were flying over deserted hospitals but it is feared that the entire profession may have suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said:
“We went into one Hospital in Dunbar and found three nurses sitting at the nursing station with huge smiles on their faces still holding copies of “Aims and objectives of releasing time to care” They seemed to be at peace.”
He added:
“In a house near Edinburgh we found an A&E Charge Nurse face down on his living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees. It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over. There was a copy of “The Productive ward” DVD in the player.”
Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said:
“I got a call from my sister, a corony care nurse in Kettering at about 9.50pm. She was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet.”
It is believed that members of the medical profession, ambulance paramedics and other allied health professions may have been similarly affected.
However in a surprise development the entire leadership of the RCN was discovered alive and apparently conducting business as usual at their head office at 20 Cavendish square in central London. The RCN general secretary Peter Carter is thought to have saved himself by not seeing the joke.
“I read the Productive Ward and now I know how to tidy up a cupboard”
Staff Nurse Linda Twatflaps, Chester-le-Street
“Thanks to the Productive Ward initiative, I now only have to fill out two forms and visit three different areas in order to obtain incontinence pants”
Ward Sister Griselda Sandal, Cheam
E, you are so behind the times
I already waffled about this nonsense 3 days ago
Yes, but you didn’t manage to seemlessly weave into the narrative, the word “Twatflaps”; so the new, bright, shiny NHS Trust Star goes to Nursey. [Who, despite this has yet to be forgiven for the Carter/Bitch thing].
Where do you think I got the idea from
[...] response to this is the same as my view of the compassion index and the Productive Ward scheme. Which is that by and large doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals don’t [...]