The Devil’s Dictionary (Mental Nurse Edition)

For this post I’m shamelessly stealing Teenage Misanthropy’s mental health-related updating of The Devil’s Dictionary.

So here, for your enlightenment, is an A to Z guide to some of the jargon you may come across in the world of mental health nursing.

Antipsychotic: A medication that may cause you to become diabetic, grossly inflate in weight, sleep all day and leak milk from your man-breasts. Still, at least you can’t hear the pixies any more, so that’s much better.

Antipsychiatry: The belief that severe mental illness can be cured by a combination of far-right libertarianism, postmodern deconstruction and New Age crystal-gazing. A delusion that can usually be cured by getting the individual to actually meet some people with a severe mental illness.

Aripiprazole: An antipsychotic that costs £101 for a packet of 28 tablets and has all the clinical efficacy of a tube of smarties. See Big Pharma.

Autistic Spectrum Disorder: A pervasive developmental disorder that robs the individual of the ability to understand social communication while simultaneously enabling him/her to understand the deepest functionings of World of Warcraft.

Big Pharma: Evil capitalist organisation that uses sandwiches, pens and post-it notes to convince clinicians of the wonderful merits of aripiprazole. See We Pledge To Thee O Satan Our Service In Your Quest To Destroy All That Is Good And Holy.

Care Plan: The attempt to improve the care of a patient by writing a pile of meaningless drivel and then stuffing it in the back of the notes, never to be looked at again. See magical thinking.

Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy: The stunning scientific revelation that severe depression can be instantly cured if you just think nice thoughts instead of nasty thoughts.

Delusion: A fixed belief that you are being influenced by unseen forces and that apparently random events have deep significance. Such beliefs are considered a sign of mental illness unless endorsed by the Pope.

Diagnosis: The identification of the kind of illness that a patient is suffering from. The purpose of diagnosis is to identify treatment options and enable access to services. Unless of course, the diagnosis is for an autistic spectrum disorder or a personality disorder.

Early Shift: The staff who work from 7am to 2.30pm. Their main role is to complain about the lack of work done by the night shift.

Inappropriate: A spectrum of behaviours that ranges from being mildly annoying to running naked through the ward bellowing hallelujahs to Satan. See incongruous.

Incongruous: Behaviour that is not necessarily inappropriate, but is definitely A Bit Weird.

Insight: The extent to which a patient agrees with the consultant.

Late Shift: The staff who work from 12.30pm to 8pm. Their main role is to complain about the lack of work done by the early shift.

Lorazepam: The little blue pill that isn’t Viagra.

Magical Thinking: The delusion that you can influence remote events by the power of your mind rather than any physical action. See care plan and risk assessment.

Night Shift: The staff who work from 8pm to 7am. Their main role is to complain about the lack of work done by the late shift.

Nursing and Midwifery Council: A body of people that charges you £76 a year for the right to strike you off. See Cosa Nostra

Off Duty: The staff rota. So-called because it tells you when you on duty.

Personality Disorder: An ongoing pattern of avoidant, unusual or antisocial behaviours. Used by psychiatrists because the ICD-10 doesn’t have a category for “I think you’re a cunt”.

Risk Assessment: The attempt to prevent a patient from committing suicide or setting fire to the ward by ticking a few boxes on a sheet of paper, and then stuffing it in the back of the notes, never to be looked at again. See magical thinking.

RMN: Abbreviation for Registered Mental Health Nurse. Yes, the H is missing. See RNMH

RNMH: The new abbreviation for Registered Mental Health Nurse. They’ve put the H in, but now the letters are in the wrong order. See RMN

Satan: Secret controller of the the Department of Health, the NHS, the Nursing and Midwifery Council and Big Pharma. You are a pawn in his game and will be forever. Like a monkey in a game that He can poke with a stick whenever He wishes you to amuse him. HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

Ward Round: A cruel game by Satan that involves gathering people in a room to listen to the consultant drone on for hours, while being continuously fed strong coffee. The game ends when the last person’s bladder explodes.