For the ongoing success of psychiatry, I have come to realise that we are potentially likely to become ‘employably challenged’ if we actually ever do “cure” people. So I think it utterly necessary to find new ways of sustaining employment in Psychiatry.
Here begins the first in a series of How to… guides that will equip us to provide a prolific future of “service users”
[I'm taking the piss, just in case it needs pointing out].
Beginning with the most contrite of Mentals I will teach everyone how to make your very own Borderline Personality Disordered patient.
Ingredients:
One moderately messed up kid.*
[*Usually found growing wild in low socio-economic groups +/or highly oppressive parental/societal regimes. Genetically modified versions can be artificially produced by inducing severe or chronic trauma - especially when placed in 'safe' government hands]
Method:
Add neurotic +/or oppressive parents.
[In the absence of parents - a neurotic government agency will often suffice, and indeed can produce preparations that often surpass the quality of the home grown variety.]
Mix well.
Add in some variegated government agency workers. For best results – use “Nearly Retired” or “Burnt Out” or “Power Trip” – or a mix thereof.
It is recommended that the ‘parental’ [oppressive control] be kept on top of the kid and that if any particle of kid emerges through the mix, it immediately be covered over with liberal amounts of government agency [Tip- Power Trip is usually best for quick coverage over large areas].
Once effectively mixed, there will be no sign of the kid and a good mix of everything else sitting on top. The mixture on top will tell you what kid looks like and how it is going.
Cover and place in a dark place for several years.
Once the kid looks to have ‘matured’ to adult age, remove the upper mix and set aside for repeat use on another ‘kid’. Replace upper layer with an identical yet completely different and slightly more oppressive upper layer and mix in the same method upon the young adult.
Cook using the ‘invalidation’ method: Rotating the mixing bowl, repeatedly irradiate invalidation through the top layer. This causes the mixture on top to become heavy upon the adult and increases the pressure until kid begins to solidify – or ‘harden’.
Best methods for ‘invalidation’ are (based on EBP) – dismiss any emotional pain disclosed; give strange rules and limits for no particular reason that no one else has to follow; allow as many others to make decisions about adult as possible; listen intently to disclosures of childhood trauma then never go back to discuss again having safely documented the ‘collateral’ in the notes; teach to resolve all emotional difficulties by instilling with mind-numbing drugs; learn to “tut”, roll eyes and sigh loudly when adult looks to be leading to or having an ‘emotional crisis’; refer to the person as a “PeeDee”; recognise that the PeeDee has extreme difficulty in relating to others, extremes of emotion and dealing with impulsive emotionally driven behaviour – and then insist they stop being that way.
Once the hardening process is complete* you can remove the upper layer (may be used again for several young adults).
*Hardening is considered suitably complete when adult is repeatedly wishing to commit suicide +/or self-harm.
Turn out the young hardened adult onto the street for several months. (Don’t worry -the oppressed invalidated adult will return to you for appropriate icing).
When adult returns, check the hardened exterior. If any signs of cracking then invalidate some more until completely hardened throughout.
Encourage adult to be left alone for as long or as often as everyone else thinks necessary.
To avoid the adult preparation losing it’s freshness; frequent brief episodes of repeat ‘invalidation’ should be continued at regular and random intervals with a healthy dose of government agency involvement on each occasion.
I think I may love you.
(I’m allowed to say that because I am all traity and whatnot)
I laughed so hard that I inhaled orange juice. I may send this link to one of my previous “Care Providers”
Lola x
Many a true word spoken in jest. This isn’t satire it’s the truth. That why I started dressing up the real life events that had been happening to me in comedy, when I began writing my blog. It’s just more palatable for those whose don’t quite realise how shitty life can get.
Talking of screwing children up. “Dan” an autistic boy, who’s featuring in a TV campaign for Action For Children is now at the centre of an international protest. I kid yer not.
I broke the story of Professor Tony Attwood’s condemnation of Action For Children on my blog at 2am last night
(My, the New Republic’s come along way since it’s inception as a vehicle to tell the world to sod off, and as a Goodbye Cruel World letter.)
Finally,
I love you too Mr Ian, but in a more mature and manly fashion.
Is it alright to ask Bloo to tell me to fuck off again? It kind of works for me.
We don’t need any more unemployeds, so in addition to creating disordered patients, I would suggest mental health care professionals come up with new and outrageous diagnoses. Everyone has to have *something* – the key is to identifying that something with a name. And then once it has a name, identifying a drug or cocktail of drugs to manage it because the pharmaceutical industry needs to remain employable as well.
Alternatively, take a ‘service user’ you baked as eating, mood or anxiety disordered but weren’t paying enough attention so the dough ended up ‘too difficult to work with’ (the fault of the ingredients, of course, not the baker), and pour ready prepared BPD icing over the top so it’s all you can see, ignoring the actual problems festering underneath.
I think i may love you too!
I should really stop proclaiming my undying love for people in this thread.
i like this post very much
Now why can’t my psych have explained it like that. Makes far more sense
It always impresses me how the sarcastic “guides” to mental illnesses always make them much easier to understand than so called serious articles. Write more!
Not only easier to understand, but especially in this case, also a good bit more accurate. Not that I’m bitter. Certainly not.
I may have been diagnosed BPD and had that confirmed by professionals in inpatient settings and professionals affiliated with a college I attended. Those in the latter group also literally believed that I was possessed by the devil (because if you are a Christian and praying does nothing to abate your depression, you are obviously possessed). Looking at the symptoms and diagnostic criteria, I did not recognize myself at all. But I was sick and it was the supposedly sane helping people who labeled me this way, so I thought I just must not be perceiving things properly.
Eventually, a therapist who I actually got along with said that no, BPD did not describe me at all. Later, I heard that BPD is code for “this one’s trouble,” which I found far more accurate. I was often considered a “troublemaker” (as much as someone who barely speaks and is incredibly passive can be, I suppose) because I – crime of crimes! – asked questions of the staff. Nevermind that they repeatedly encouraged everyone to ask questions about their treatment, and me in particular because the only thing I was willing to say I was proud of in myself was my curiosity.
Nope, no bitterness here.
You forgot to add – “act surprised” when the person who has been desperately trying to ask you for help finally gives up and behaves in the only way she knows how to survive the internal distress and gets returned to you via ITU for you to start the process all over again. Oh and you must mention the education you provide for relatives in order that they too may continue the invalidation process and “stop walking on egg shells” I hate that bloody book.
Loving the post Mr Ian!!
Was just wondering how many of you use DBT for clients with personality disorders? As a psych nurse over in Canada we are using it alot and it seems to have pretty good results. Haven’t been in the UK for a few years now so am a bit out of touch with whats going on….!
I use it for everyone –
1. we can cure the underlying condition.
2. If not 1 then we can hopefully help with the way you deal with it.
(or we can give you lots of mind altering drugs until you mature all by yourself)
haha love it. As my consultant has never actually explained what BPD is to me, it’s handy to have an honest guide. I had to make do with a copy of my notes in which I read from the Crisis Team,
“As a borderline, Sam is likely to find endings difficult to manage. Given the short term nature of Crisis Team support, and the inevitable distress this would cause, we feel it would not make sense to offer her any help at present.”
So I didn’t get any help and ended up in a ward for a month following an OD the next week.
THAT !! … is (sadly) a fucking classic yorkie
Or… they could have writte:
“As we are not very good at dealing with people who have emotion- regulation difficulties we are worried we might end up with more than we can handle and so would rather not start something we can’t finish. We are incompetent and we get paid for it.”
Agree with that one completely.
Of course their other option is to actually start something, then realise after a year of dragging the poor sod through a swimming pool of shit that they can’t finish it, so they unceremoniously discharge people leaving them right in the deep end of the aforementioned pool of shit with no lifebelt. Talk about your therapeutic outcome…
And then when they object to being left half finished and destroyed by the system, claim it was obviously their fear of abandonment….
tho I guess it’s better to not engage and mess things up than to leave the pt mess things up all by themselves. I mean – why drag MH services into it? They are, by and large, an impotent group.