- Slapheads: Malingerers
- Slapheads: Student Nurses
- Slapheads: lecturers (and a mentor)
- Slapheads: Healthcare Assistants
- Slapheads: Patients
- Slapheads: Consultants
- Slapheads: RMNs
- Slapheads: Managers
- Slapheads: Parents
- Slaphead RGNs
- Slapheads: GPs
- Slapheads: Professions Allied to Medicine
- Slapheads: Social Workers
- Slapheads – Meetings
- Slapheads: Mentors
It’s been a while since we’ve done any additions to ongoing Slapheads series, chronicling the more slappable people you will find on your journey through the mental health system. So far we’ve done student nurses, healthcare assistants, lecturers and patients. We still need to do managers and, of course, RMNs.
This edition of Slapheads, however, is devoted to consultant psychiatrists.
Disorganised Damien
Consistently gets their appointment dates wrong. Still hasn’t done the risk assessment they were supposed to do three weeks ago of your patient with a well-thumbed copy of Catcher in the Rye and an extensive interest in knives. Hasn’t recorded an entry into the notes for their patients in the past six months.
Politician Pete
Is seen on the local news more often than you see them on the ward. Writes extensively for both the academic and popular press. Fond of organising conferences, usually on the subject of, “Why I Am The Biggest Thing to Hit Psychiatry Since Freud”.
Polly Pharmacy
Has a penchant for multiple combinations of ridiculously high doses of antipsychotics. Their ward has such a high incidence of extrapyramidal side-effects that it has become known locally as “the Ministry of Silly Walks” and the pharmacy now deliver procyclidine in crates. Polly Pharmacy also has a child and adolescent psychiatry variant, who prescribes all their kids methylphenidate on the slightest whim, thereby earning the kids the playground nickname of Shorty Speedfreak.
Tactless Terence
There is no therapeutic relationship you’ve built up that Terence can’t destroy over the course of a brief conversation. Seems to know exactly the right thing to say at the exact time in order to cause maximum alienation and offense to the patient. Tends to remorsely wind up patients with a propensity for violence, ignoring the way they’re getting redder in the face and their breathing is getting heavier, until the nurse has to de-escalate things by pushing Terence between themselves and the patient. Tactless Terence is also available as Sexist Steve, Racist Roger and Homophobic Harry.
Indecipherable Irene
Has handwriting that looks like the Phoenician alphabet written by a spider having an epileptic seizure. The hospital now employs an ex-GCHQ codebreaker in order to relay her instructions. She left an entry in the notes today that left you unsure whether the patient was being placed on special observations or discharged.
There’s probably more I could do on this subject, but it’s now time to open things up to the comments thread. Feel free to post your consultant slapheads that you’ve come across.
Professor Blood:
Made his name in research, probably because he lacks any people skills whatsoever. Takes blood samples from every patient possible so he can spend hours in his lab analysing it, so rarely seen on a ward. Will ask for a blood sample on initial assessment before asking your name.
When he does see patients will speak to them like they are totally stupid or alternatively, if they disagree with a course of treatment, will speak to them like they are specialists in psychopharmocology, until they then have to admit that they are stupid.
Appointments usually finish with the patient feeling warm and tingly (with rage). The prof views this as progress.
Polly, I know her.
Devastatingly sexy in a slightly nerdy kind of way. She’s one of the University’s finest. All Laura Ashley and a dab of Yardleys.
Terence: Z if you’re a well turned-out, Elfin like creature prone to Buddhist anecdotage, then I’ve met both of you. At the same time.
At a very posh hospital.
btw do you do relationship counselling here? I’ve Argued with my German cyberBunniekins. *sniffle* She said my erection for her, “simply represents the continuation of the Patriarchal Hegemony” *sob* and that she wishes to “Move-On and Grow in a non-hierarchical, gender-queer mise en scène” *wail* *sob* *sob*
Could someone translate?
Brick Wall Bertie: some sort of God or at least demi-God, except more often right. Other members of the CMHT will advise on the best way to get your point across until they ask which consultant in particular you are referring to.
Sympathetic Sam: further form of God/demi God. Feels deeply sorry for all patients and goes home knowing they have improved the world. If a patient has the audacity to maintain standards of personal cleanliness/have friends/wear nice shoes this will quickly turn into hatred (otherwise known as counter-transference).
Oh dear, yes. I’ve worked for a Brick Wall Bertie who had a single-mindedness that would impress the average aspie. When he got an idea in his mind the entire MDT couldn’t sway him.
I have nothing to add to the series but would just like to say thankyou for making me laugh really hard.
Hurry up !I can’t wait for the RMN one
Heh. My current guy is a combination of Brick Wall Bertie and Tactless Terrence. Have previously been treated by a guy channelling both Sexist Steve and Homophobic Harry. Niiiiiice.
Actually, my current lot are pretty much all Tactless Terrence, apart from the CPN who knits and does taekwondo.
Kung Fu Knitting, Number One CPN?
Favourable Fiona agrees with everyone for fear of being disliked. Decisions never get made. Meetings to make decisions have no a start or finish time because Favourable Fiona doesn’t like to “create a business-like atmosphere in a therapeutic environment”. You never quite know where you stand with Favourable Fiona. Attempts to pin down Favourable Fiona are futile because she has the ability to mysteriously disappear. Few have ever successfully obtained a decision from Favourable Fiona and this leaves patients, staff and relatives feeling distinctly unfavourable towards Fiona.
Discharge Doris:
Has made the genius realisation that if she discharges all her patients back to primary care, she’ll get an afternoon off or two. Usually leaving the rest of the CMHT scratching their heads and answering panicked phone calls from local GPs who currently have their acutely psychotic patient and “The Idiot’s Guide to Clozapine Titration” in front of them. Discharge Doris generally gets away with this however once the CMHT make the genius realisation that she is actually doing less damage this way than when she actually tries to treat someone (probably due to being so out of practice/out of date – having not tried since she was an SHO back in 1972).
The mystery man: A breed of consultant so rarely seen that the WWF has declared them an endangered species. Their appointments are filled with a long string of locums. Visits are ticked off on bingo cards and once enough locums have been collected, you are rewarded with an appointment with the consultant himself.
Genius!
That is all.
Lola x
My consultant is definitely a Terrance. She’s obnoxious, insensitive and seems to be of the genuine belief that there’s very little wrong with me, given her constant cancelling of my appointments, despite what I should have thought was a need to monitor patients for whom she has prescribed insidious, mild-altering drugs (lone Venlafaxine in this case, despite the fact she herself diagnosed bipolar disorder, the symptoms of which Venlafaxine is well known to exacerbate).
The only consolation us that her evident disdain for me is thoroughly mutual.
Foreign Fred
Is actually highly unlikely to go by the name of Fred. Barely speaks any English. Has no comprehension of what you say to them. Fails to tell you anything and leaves you wondering what the hell they meant.
I know a Polly Phamarcy, although it was a Paul Pharmacy. He covered for my old psych when she was away for a week and decided to up all of my drugs to ridiculously high doses, way above the recommended maximums.
Let’s have a mention for the junior docs too. Remember them? They used to be SHOs, now they’re ST plus a number. They combine the characteristics of all of the above, with added dustings of incompetence. There are two generic varieties: those who are plainly lacking in confidence; those who cover their lack of confidence with fairly flimsy bravado. They tend to be younger and slightly less weird than fully fledged consultants, which sometimes makes their foibles more forgivable. But not always.
“Their ward has such a high incidence of extrapyramidal side-effects that it has become known locally as “the Ministry of Silly Walks” – Genius.
What about Andy the Academic – Brilliant, a genius, leader of his field, world expert… at research. Clinical skills, not so much. Would like nothing more than to never see a patient again but his contract means he has to, seems to be mentally composing a Case Report to send to the British Journal of Psychiatry every time he meets a patient. Because he is.