- Slapheads: Malingerers
- Slapheads: Student Nurses
- Slapheads: lecturers (and a mentor)
- Slapheads: Healthcare Assistants
- Slapheads: Patients
- Slapheads: Consultants
- Slapheads: RMNs
- Slapheads: Managers
- Slapheads: Parents
- Slaphead RGNs
- Slapheads: GPs
- Slapheads: Professions Allied to Medicine
- Slapheads: Social Workers
- Slapheads – Meetings
- Slapheads: Mentors
It’s been a long time coming, but the day has arrived. We now turn the focus of our Slapheads series onto ourselves.
Yes, it’s time to look at those mental nurses who need a good slap.
Burnt-Out Boris
Stopped giving a shit about 15 years ago, and insists that he’s “only still here to pick up my pension” even though he’s only 38. Declares patients to be “clearly another bloody PD” if they so much as look at him funny. Needs a crowbar to remove him from the ward office.
Sanctimonious Susan
The polar opposite of Boris, but in her own way just as unprofessional and annoying. Will declare the slightest failing on your part to be an act of gross immorality. Lectures colleagues constantly about how much she cares about the patients, with the heavy implication that they supposedly don’t. If you tell her that you don’t have the staff to perform a task, she will explain to you that it’s actually because you’re a callous unfeeling bastard who would laugh over the cold dead corpses of the patients. Can occasionally be seen strapping herself to a life-sized crucifix, which she may well have borrowed from…
Jesus-Freak Julia
Regularly attempts to exorcise the patients. Leaves quotations from Bible verses scattered around the ward office. Notes whether the patient is “saved” or “unsaved” on the observation chart. Also available in Islamic.
(Note: In the interests of balance, I should also point out that I’ve worked with numerous clinicians who have been Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus and neo-Pagans who have been able to hold strong religious beliefs without shoving it down anyone’s throats. This isn’t having a go at religious belief, but having a go at people who try to impose it on others)
Rebellious Rodney
Quotes from Thomas Szasz at frequent intervals. Refers to the consultants and hospital managers as “the enemy” and regards himself as there to help the patients stick it to The Man. Any suggestion that he is himself an integral part of the Evil Oppressive System that he’s supposedly fighting is generally met with a look of abject horror, especially if you say things like, “Well, aren’t you the one enforcing the Mental Health Act detention? And didn’t you restrain a guy last week?”
Sister Starch (Redux)
We previously met Sister Starch during the Lecturers edition of Slapheads. Beakie described her as having “been in nurse education since the days of Flo. Still approaches it like she was back on the wards. Severely reprimands students for such offences as asking questions, being assertive and having a life. Seeks to educate through intimidation and shouting.” Beakie pointed out that Sister Starch “can also be found on the wards, acting as a mentor.” I indeed had a Sister Starch as a mentor when I was a student nurse. She constantly hectored me about how nurse training was much better back in the day, yet of all the valuable lessons I learned on that placement, I can’t think of a single one that I learned from her. She had a major bug in her arse about the fact that student nurses are now supernumary, rather than the old system of humiliation and subjugation of student nurses. This was despite the fact that I never asserted my supernumary status except in order to access legitimate learning opportunities. Oh, and she never seemed capable of accomodating my regular requests for a mentor meeting in between her 300 fag breaks a day.
What a cow.
As always, nominate your own Slaphead RMNs in the comments thread.
You didn’t mention these:
Diagnostic Dave: Doesn’t seem to realize that he’s an RMN, not an M.D. “Diagnoses” understandable patient behavior as a mental illness that’s been ruled out several times. Some Daves use mental health labels to disciplien patients (“Don’t act like a borderline!” and the like), while others use the suspection that a patient might be having a new psychiatric disorder as a substitute for genuine understanding of their mental state. My worst experience with this involved a nurse who got a brand new psychiatry resident to perform a sloppy depression screening on me when I’d exressed despair from being on a locked ward for a year. I was so stupid to just answer the doc’s questions honestly, thereby looking like I was indeed a little depressed (not enough for a clinical label, but enough so they could conclude that I was wanting the label and was lying about my mental state).
Funny Fred: and I mean, funny to the point of interfering with the therapeutic relationship. Teases patients to the point where they melt down or cracks jokes so often that patients won’t speak to him about anything serious.
Incomprehensible Iris: you know, the nurse who is convinced that a particular intervention is absolutely necessary, but unable to explain why, and not because she’s not the one authorizing the intervention. Bonus points for blaming the patient’s disorder for her inability to explain. From my primary nurse, when trying to list rehabilitation goals: “Sure you’ve made a lot of progress on this ward and you have a lot to learn, but I can’t explain what due to your autism.” Similar conversation recurring re time-out plan. (Maybe it *is* due to my autism, in the sense that I spot illogical gibberish quite easily, but for rehab plans nad time-out systems, illogcial gibberish can’t be the rationale.)
Note that these attitudes can come in nurses who are otherwise okay (my primary nurse for example is good unless I ask her to explain an intervention), although some nurses have the slappable attitude pretty much all of the time (one Fred I used to know for example).
Woah! Meeting 2 Dutch Astrids in one lifetime?
I’m glad I’m no longer the only Autistic on Mental Nurse…
We slip through the cracks here too, unless you are very strict with the nurses
(The other Astrid was Dr Waterdrinker…)
Yep, I currently attend uni with the next generation of RMNs and you can already make out whose going to be what of the above…
Personally aspiring to ” Sanctimonious Susan/Rebellious Rodney” – well if you can’t beat them…
You forgot “The Shadow”, the nurse who is assigned to you on the board. But noone seems to know where she is or who she is. Of course rules dictate that she is the only one you can ask anything… any requests for meds, leave, access to the deodorant they confiscated from you (in case you try and inhale yourself to death?), so you spend the shift chasing around “the shadow”, jittering for a prn, completely out of nicotine, and not able to leave the ward without the “shadows” permission to buy cigarettes and on top of that smelling slightly whiffy, because you havent had a chance to put on deoderant yet.
And as you finish your umpteenth circle of the ward, looking for her, and your back at the office, banging your head against the door in frustration, one of the other nurses who can apparently help you with none of the above, even though all she is doing is reading Women’s Day, will say casually… “The Shadow”…oh you just missed her, she’s gone on her break…………arghhhhhhhhhhh!
What about Crazy Clara: The only different between her and the patients is that she holds the keys and has had way more suicide attempts.
I knew one Crazy Clara and a couple of semi diagnostic Daves. The diagnostic dave I ran into thought he could diagnose and his diagnosis was that no one had mental health problems…it was always something that the medics should sort. And yes, I know medical issues cause confusion etc. But not all the time.
On my medical ward we have a patient who was being treated for something mild and not known to cause confusion. One day she totally freaked out and attacked other patients and staff. She threw bottles at people, started screaming for jesus, came at me in the treatment room with a sharp object. I was pregnant at the time and had to wrestle her down. No support from management and no security was forthcoming.
Medics refused to do anything saying it was a mental health team problem. It took 3 days to get the mental health professionals in to see this person even though there was a SIGNIFICANT psych history. Three days of this shit constantly on a short staffed ward with sick people who got no care and died unnoticed because we were playing RMN and tackling this person and holding her down without having a clue what we were doing. Of course no one sent us any additional staff and help despite our begging.
Diagnostic Dave (or should we say Pass the Buck Pedro), RMN swaggered in and we welcomed him like he was god, so bad was the situation. He took one look at her and looked at her notes for 4 minutes, declared that this was a behavioral problem and not a mental health problem. Then he said that she wouldn’t be going to the psych hospital as “attention seeking is not a mental illness”. This patient was taping underwear to the window, hearing voices and attacking immobile stroke patients with hot soup. “I said no offense but can she see an actual psychiatrist please.” His response was to get the medics back in. ??????? I thought she needed to be on some kind of locked until she chilled the fuck out.
Often confusion is caused by medical problems. That was not the case in this situation AT ALL.
Medics wouldn’t do anything ( or go anywhere near her) they just referred her back to the mental health. And thus we continued for months.
After that I hated RMN’s like the devil hates holy water until I found this blog.
Then there’s CBT Colin – convinced that any and every mental health problem, including psychosis and mania, can be controlled with enough CBT. Earnestly asks you if you really think you are doing everything you could to get better and if you WANT to get better while you try to explain that you need a PRN chlorpromazine. Has been heard to refer to doctors as “drug dealers” and thinks medication is for the lazy of character.
I hate Colin so much. Pretty much every single professional that I have worked with has been a Colin. I just don’t understand it, evidenced-based treatment says CBT works for a lot of patients. It does not say that it works for 100% of patients. It does not say that if you cajole your patient into trying really really hard that she will become part of the group of patients helped by CBT. I guess when all you have is a hammer…
How about Goodtime Gertrude? Seems to consider her place of work as a social club for her and her colleagues. Stays permanently in the office flicking through “Heat!” to find a hairdo suitable for the upcoming staff night out and getting the NA’s to model it for her. The only time she ventures onto the ward is when the tea trolley arrives, where she takes first pick and stands gossiping with the NA’s whilst the patients look on hungrily. She knows all the gossip regarding other staff and starts most sentences with “Don’t tell anyone i told you this but…” She has “humourous” names for all the patients and looks disdainfully at any of them who might actually request her assistance.
Fagbreak Fiona: whose entire day seems to focus on getting as many ciggies as possible. Quick fag after the handover, quick fag before the meds, quick fag before the doc comes, quick fag before the official fag break, quick fag break at 11 and a quick fag before lunch. “Oh my God Fiona! She’s cutting herself”… “She’ll be OK for a minute, let’s get a quick fag first”
Sleazy Steve who drools over the students and even the occasional patient. “Corrr! I wouldn’t mind getting locked in the linen cupboard with that for ten minutes” he slavers. He reeks of cheap aftershave, has a 1970’s haircut and thinks every word you say is hilarious. He always has 10kg of mistletoe at Christmas, never misses a night out and always offers to be the driver. He thinks his PC is broken as no one ever accepts his Facebook requests.
Greedy Gary. “Oh it’s fish and chips today. Hmmm. I think Betty and Jean will just want soup and pudding, if they’re still hungry give them a build up” he mumbles as he stuffs his face with the patients’ fish and chips.
Depressed David. You spend most of the shift nursing this staff nurse whose wife treats him like shit when she comes home drunk from her boyfriend’s house for a change of clothes. “What should I do? I love her. What should I do?”
Lazy Louise. “Oh Susan’s not that wet. Just a wee bit damp and slightly soiled. We’ll check her again in 6 hours before the night staff come on and maybe change her pad then if she’s not sleeping”.
Angry Arthur. “Ian doesn’t look quite right. I think he might be going off. Let’s sneak up behind him and restrain him right now before he knows what’s hit him and give him some IM Haloperidol.”
I think I might be Sleazy Fiona.
I’ve met patient Fiona. Can’t! Won’t! eat dinner, but as soon as you offer an extra fagbreak after dinner if we finish early, that dinner is gone!
This is genius!
I’ve been thinking, and I work with quite a few of these, sometimes they’re even combined!
Burnt out Boris
Sanctimonious Susan
Goodtime Gertrude
Fagbreak Fiona
Depressed David
Angry Arthur
I’d also like to add 2.
Admin Amy
Great at the paperwork in theory, but in reality it’s all out of date or plain wrong as she avoids talking to the patient, preferring to go off past notes and Drs notes. She loves nothing more than spending a shift drawing up an indepth (and usually totally inaccurate) Risk Assessment.
Known to write comments like “monitor mental state” and “administer prescribed medication” in care plans, which is a necessary part of the job, however, not required to be written down as it’s so bloody obvious, although it helps fill a page.
and
Condescending Colin
Can’t properly explain rationale for any actions at all, other than to say “when you’ve been doing this job as long as I have…..” Other favourite lines include “Your decision was ok, and I’m not disagreeing, but I would have done it differently” without really giving any idea why! My personal favourite line is “I respect that, but…..”
Of course, I don’t fit into any of these negative nursing types (ahem)
Good to see you back Mo!
Let’s not forget Stereotyping Stan, the nurse who insists on creating sets of rigid classifications into which to conveniently slot the infinite variety of personal characteristics that make up the richly diverse tapestry of the human ra…………
Oh bugger, hang on a minute, perhaps I haven’t thought this one through……………
CBT Colin? Yep definitely had one of them!
Worked with all these. Been a patient too, but the nurses then seemed far more professional and not in the least horrible! Never worked what that was about…
Nominate myself: Disability Discrimination Act Dave. Chronic mental health problems, first name terms with NMC fitness to practise board, suspiciously knowledgable about mental health problems. Suprisingly non-empathic about other people’s problems and bordering on Burnt-out Boris.
Out of curiosity, we haven’t had any slaphead social workers or clinical therapists or occupational therapists, are they coming? Those and nurses are the people I interacted with most as a patient, but they are underrepresented thus far. I don’t mean to get antsy; I ask because in looking at survey responses for the psych hospital I sit on the advisory board for, I noticed that nurses got the blame for everything from the social workers, occupational therapists, and clinical therapists, because the nurses were the only ones mentioned. So the hospital management thought everyone really hated the nurses, but the reality was that the patients hate everyone, but the survey only asked about nurses. That survey was, however, made by an outside company, so perhaps most psych wards mostly only have nurses and healthcare assistants interacting with the patients? I do have some slapheads to nominate in these other categories.
I’m thinking about doing a post on Slapheads: Professions Allied to Medicine. I believe Mental wanted to do Slapheads: Managers, and I have to prod cb into doing Slapheads: Social Workers.
I forgot all about Managers!
Dozy daisy
Often on the night shift, often falls asleep. As a patient once I was being nursed on 1-2-1 by Dozy Daisy…and yes she fell asleep – for half an hour. Was going to do a runner but was to depressed to get out of bed
Jargon James (similar to Diagnostic Dave)
Jargon James has done a course in psychology. With his *wealth* of knowledge in the area tells you the (misinterpreted) technical terms for all the issues you have in your interpersonal life. Which *of course* have lead to your current illness.
Have enjoyed the slaphead series thanks
Slapheads: Managers might be a bit of a waste of time: all managers are cloned from one original socially inept source human-type being, and with time have mutated into variants such as male, female etc.
True. I am thinking about doing this as the post.
Title Slapheads: Managers.
Body: See title.
WIN!
In the cloning of NHS managers do they still have (as opposed to being) an anus? As we are all aware, they are grossly anally retentive, which is why it comes out of their mouths as they hold meetings about meetings about meetings… And is their susceptibility to Litigation Paranoia genetic?
Have you any interest in an RGN slapheads post? Because if you do, then I’m your woman. Of course I could just do one on MMN but I’d feel like a copycat.
Do it on both. Yes I would love one having had some run ins with Slaphead RGNs recently.
Yes, give us an RGN slapheads post.
Ha ha. Okay then. I could have done one about RMN’s. Believe me. And physio/OT/clinical support……definitely do the health professionals allied to medicine.
I want to comment on a variation of Angry Arthur by which anger is not really the driving force behind his actions. However, he genuinely feels that secluding someone “just in case” prevents escalations. Particularly frequent before handover/meetings/other time when staff are not on the ward. IN this case, you might be secluded/restrained for something that will never ge tyou restrained/secluded in other circumstances, eg. slamming a door or screaming once. That’s been my experience at least. Ah my, I guess that’s one of my pet peeves actually.
Roland Rulebook.
A staff nurse for the past 30 years. The rules in question are those determined by the Union, not the management or, for that matter the community meeting. Sibling of Sister Starch and Burnt-out Boris, cousins Jobsworth and Notmyjob work in the Security lodge. Stickler for breaks of equal length for everybody at the exact time and for the precise length specified, no matter the prevailing circumstances. Refuses to take blood because the ******* medics get paid a lot more to be sued, don’t they? Thinks all service users should be sectioned and doped to the eyeballs on good, old, reliable substances such as chlorpromazine and chloral hydrate (preferably together) like when he started in the 3,000 bed Dracula Hospital, it was a lot quieter on the wards in those days. Regrets the passing of ECT and thinks uniforms, with peaked caps for men, will return one day, common sense innit?
May I add ‘Study day Simon’
Has just finished his degree and has now signed up to do his masters.
Not because he wants to enhance his practice. He couldn’t give a shit about the patients. It’s just a way of getting extra letters next to his name and it means one less day a week he has to be on the ward doing any actual work. Also found applying for any extra training days, relevant or not, for the same reasons.
Study day Simon is usually found sat at his computer browsing articles for his dissertation leaving everyone else to attend to the patients.
He did his mentorship training solely for the ‘study day’. He hates students and avoids them like the plague.
Comes across wonderfully when applying for new jobs and often gets them based on his qualifications. Once he’s in post and people realise he actually hates nursing and will do anything to avoid it, it’s too late.