- Slapheads: Malingerers
- Slapheads: Student Nurses
- Slapheads: lecturers (and a mentor)
- Slapheads: Healthcare Assistants
- Slapheads: Patients
- Slapheads: Consultants
- Slapheads: RMNs
- Slapheads: Managers
- Slapheads: Parents
- Slaphead RGNs
- Slapheads: GPs
- Slapheads: Professions Allied to Medicine
- Slapheads: Social Workers
- Slapheads – Meetings
- Slapheads: Mentors
In the comments thread The Shrink is demanding a Slapheads: Occupational Therapists post. I’ll broaden it slightly into Slapheads: Professions Allied to Medicine so we can also include physiotherapists, radiographers, clinical psychologists, pharmacists etc. A post on Slapheads: Social Workers will also come soon.
I’ll start by re-posting The Shrinks slaphead OT suggestions from the comments thread:
Purist Polly who thinks any doctor or nurse is oppressive and forcing a construct of medical paradigms on what’s just understandable behaviours arising from distressing experiences, so just needs attention to managing function instead of all that diagnostic and supportive and interventional nonsense CPNs and folk do. She tutts and hisses when doctors or nurses are mentioned, is bitter that there are more doctors and nurses in the NHS than OTs and constantly has to paint OT as the best thing ever since oxygen whilst putting down “orthodox outdated working models,” like doctors and nurses seeing patients instead of OTs.
Basket-weaving Brenda who think the solution to any problem is to occupy oneself. Busy hands make for a busy mind. Can’t be out of sorts then, can we? So let’s all weave some more baskets.
Hippie Hugh who reckons the best way to solve distress is to sit down in a circle (ideally in the wondrous bounty of Nature’s bossom, but a carpet will do, at a push) and reflect ‘pon how we’re all inherently part of nature, which is a well oiled machine withe everything in balance and harmony, so for us to be part of this and ticking along we just need to re-connect with our place in that. Hug a tree, meditate and you’ll be cured in no time.
Psycho Saul who thinks peoples’ function is about being part of the shared consciousness, man. A bit like Hippie Hugh, he thinks that you just need to stop focussing on details and worries and specific issues and instead let your mind go an’ be a part of the Big Picture. This is achieved through pop psychology, his own bias and the 3 day course on some CBT modules that seemed interesting to him in 1998. This empowers him to now dabble is psychological interventions, rummaging around in peoples heads, to help them be at one with the cosmic consciousness. Because only then will peace and tranquility be theirs.
Thanks to The Shrink for those.
I’ll add:
Technological Tanya (radiographer): Covets her fMRI/CT/EEG machines with a passion that borders on sexual. Can speak in binary code. Is absolutely horrified at the prospect of a patient coming near her precious, precioussss machines, particularly if the patient is anyone confused enough to look like they might possibly bump against them.
Gatekeeper Gary (pharmacist): Guards his little pharmacy hatch like it’s the entrance to Fort Knox. Gets snotty with you if you rush down asking for a stat dose of a medication at quarter to five. For this we can only apologise that our patients’ clinical needs don’t work 9 to 5 hours.
Lost Sample Lenny (biomedical scientist): Uses the blood and urine samples you’ve sent him as chess pieces, poker chips, anything except actually analysing the damn things. Will keep you waiting for two weeks for a result and then, when you ring up to ask where on earth it’s got to, will tell you, “Oh yes. The sample leaked in transit, so we didn’t process it. No, it didn’t occur to us to tell you that two weeks ago.”
Excellent. I do love the Slapheads series. Looking forward to Social Workers. How about doing Psychiatrists at some point?
We’ve done psychiatrists – well, consultant psychiatrists, anyway: http://www.mentalnurse.org/200.....nsultants/
Ah yes, I remember! Well I don’t remember as such, but when I re-read it I had a vague feeling of dejavu. I struggle to remember what I did yesterday – remembering what I read 4 months ago is really pushing it!
Core-obsessed Catherine: Catherine is a physiotherapist who thinks that the problems of EVERY patient referred to her, including those who have had knee replacements, can be solved by doing enough core strength exercises. Hands out a 90 minutes 3-times-a-day regimen of balance board exercises to all comers. If you don’t stick to the routine, will berate you at your next appointment, pointing out that the reason your ankle still hurts is because you didn’t do enough abdominal bridges. Used to be a PE teacher or girl’s hockey coach in a previous career.
‘Hands out a 90 minutes 3-times-a-day regimen of balance board exercises to all comers’
I have one of those. I have cancelled my last 2 physio appointments because I never have the motivation to do the exercises. I have a dodgy hip, apparently because I am too flexible (dancer), but it never hurts when I am dancing and being flexible, it hurts when I walk. My appointments always consist of her asking me if I have done the exercises, me saying I’ve not quite managed the 3 times a day, but then feeling too guilty to say that I probably haven’t even managed 3 times a month, so saying I have been doing them maybe once a day, and then her pretending to be impressed by how much I have improved, which is clearly bollocks as I haven’t done the exercises at all. Ridiculous charade really!
i am a social worker and can’t wait for the posts on my fair trade!
loving your work.
Also:
Counselling Cindy: Cindy has a primary job at the hospital as an OT / nurse / social worker / phlebotomist / canteen assistant but is also trained in some form of “counselling”. The course was a 12-week part time thing run by the local NHS trust. Has then gotten herself attached to the hospital psychology department, where she gets patients who need a short session of counselling (4-6 weeks) referred to her. (She is not allowed anywhere near the patients referred for treatment of PTSD, longer-lasting psychdynamic therapy, or CBT).
Cindy has spent a lot of time around the nurses and doctors and is aware that she knows better than anyone what is best for all those mentalists. She’s delighted that she is now out of her supporting actress role and able to influence patients directly. All patients need to stop taking the easy way out by taking pills and relying on medics and “accept their own role in creating their difficulties”, try a bit harder and things will be fine. If that doesn’t work, well then they aren’t interested in getting better and she isn’t interested in working with anyone with an attitude like that and is happy to let them know how she feels. A cursory and ill-informed read of part of an out of date neuroscience textbook is used to back this viewpoint up with pseudoscience.
Cindy is sent a steady stream of moderately depressed alcoholics to whom she does minimal harm. Problems ensue when she has referred to her, by a clueless SHO, some patients who are really severely ill, who all relapse and attempt suicide as a result of her ministrations. After which she drops them like a hot brick, because her time is too valuable to be wasted on the likes of that.
Cindy sounds a fuckwit
Cindy is a fuckwit. But she’s no doll.
We have just managed to retrieve one of our patients from the poisonous claws of a Counselling Cindy who somehow managed to qualify as a clinical psychologist.
Incredulous Ivan (pharmacist): Ivan insists the patient cannot be suffering from the side effect that the doctor reported to him, because he doesn’t see it listed on the little sheet that comes with your medication. Or, even better, says, “it’s very rare, so obviously he can’t possibly be experiencing it”. This although the patient is projectile vomitting every 5 mins on to the SHO’s shoes / running around the ward complaining the CIA are after him / has been sitting on the loo in the gents for most of the day.
Haha so true. I had one of those in my ward round and when I told him about the hot sweats and shivers I was getting he said I was probably just too hot and I should try wearing less layers. The fact I had just a t-shirt on, my window open and it’s the middle of winter seemed to make no difference.
One more from me:
Cryptic Carol (clinical psychologist): Talks endlessly about repression, sublimation, transference, counter-transference and other Freudian concepts. Refers you a patient for some nursing support to help them with their “self-evaluative issues”. Will use the word “discourse” at least once in any given conversation. Dislikes psychiatry because it “masks lived experience with medicalised language”, and then gets annoyed when you suggest the discourse of her pot is evaluating the kettle as black.
This is the equivalent of the corporate bullshit-spouting wankstain who always talks about leveraging his synergies?
Possibly a Purist Polly….We have an OT at work who is convinced that we’re just not trying hard enough to ‘teach’ our epileptic patient not to get aggressive when he’s post-ictal. It annoys her because it impacts his attendence at OT sessions and we’re apparently just being awkward in not helping him.
*sigh*
Refer her to an endocrinology team to babysit diabetics coming out of a hypo…. hahahaha….
I’ve met nurses who can’t understand the post-ictal aggressiveness. We had a patient in severe alcohol withdrawals (he normally drinks 8 litres of wine a day)- who had 2 prolonged seizures (15 min or so each) necessitating a medical emergency to be called (and 100mg diazepam, 30mg clonazepam, ?50mg midazolam per time), and both times he punched or attempted to punch someone shortly after the seizure ended.
This is obviously because he is a bad, violent person. (I think with this guy to get him off alcohol we should have had a reducing dose regimen of alcohol, but too late now, and hard to work around hospital policies).
NARCISSISTIC NORMAN (clinical psychologist). Dresses in designer pullover/t-shirt, silk scarf, tight pale yellow or pink trousers, Kickers. Has flowing locks shaped and blow-dried weekly, and a manicure while he’s there.
Is driving force on acute unit in which the doctrine is that all bipolar or schizophrenic (etc.) patients have had their current episodes triggered by a marital dispute, even (or indeed especially) when there’s SFA evidence to support this. He and his chum LANGUID LEONARD, consultant psychiatrist & senior lecturer, offer family therapy to overcome “clients”‘ and carers’ “issues around their denial” (Arrgh! Sociobabble!). They both clearly relish dependancy on them but resent having it pointed out to them how unhealthy this is.
On checking with the Association for Family Therapy, neither has been heard of. It turns out that NORMAN has done some first year courses in such things but has got no further, while LEONARD hasn’t even done that.
You mean he’s a dead ringer for Jason in Dancing on Ice but talks a lot more bullshit?
I knew there was a reason why I didn’t watch Dancing on Ice.
No, it didn’t occur to us to tell you that two weeks ago.
Ah, the sentence that explains so very much of what can go wrong when one is being bounced from one professional to another. As far as I can tell, my trust thinks clear and accurately-recorded conversation is FOR THE WEAK.
Ah, basket weaving brenda’s are my favourite! I think I just liked OT’s because they were always REALLY complimentary, for someone that got a ‘G’ grade in GCSE art being told my scribbles were wall-worthy was a definite confidence booster! So:
Easily Impressed Edna claims the lump of clay you’ve moulded into a vaguely human shaped lump of clay is THE BEST clay figurine she’s ever seen. That sloppy watercolour you spent five minutes painting should be hung in the National Gallery. Especially likes drawings of flowers/butterflies/nice things (as opposed to scenes of cute animals being stabbed and suchlike)which is good, because flowers and butterflies are A LOT easier to draw than decapitated dogs anyway.
I loved OT. Apart from yoga, the teacher was about ninety years old and told me I couldn’t wear my socks or else she’d lose her ‘yoga license’ riiiighttt…
Well, I’m considering doing a Basket-Weaving Brenda research project as a nurse, on the principle that actually having something to do might decrease (some) patient’s distress levels.
That might be health and safety. PE teachers and the like are leery of people going round in socks beacuse there’s a chance of slipping and falling and, iirc, insurance may not cover them. barefoot is ok, as bare feet have grip.
Ah, I didn’t consider this actually! I did yoga in school (lazy person’s P.E option) and there was no rule about socks, but you’re probably right. It was just the ‘yoga liscense’ business that threw me off, but apparantley she is a world famous yoga teacher so maybe such a thing does exist.I’ve never seen such a flexible OAP, that’s for sure
.
It’s probably the terms of her insurance. if you hurt yourself under her instruction while in socks, her insurance would possibly be yanked, and in order to teach any kind of exercise, either you or your employer must have the right insurance. If she was self-employed and taught in several places she will have had her own insurance policy.
I want to do a physio one, just because my sister is a final year physio student, but as I’ve never experienced a physio I don’t know what to say.
Then again knowing my sister I can guess.
Sadistic Sister – Will not consider the patient’s circumstances at all and gets angry that the patient isn’t doing as they are told. Will wonder why a catatonic patient has failed to do her exercises every day or why a manic patient with a sore knee is making it worse by jumping on the sofa. Will tell depressives to snap out of it and get on with doing what they are told.
Your sister will learn VERY quickly if she ends up working for a sports team. They will not take shit like that at all.
nearly-Doctor Dorothy. Receptionist. Deeply dislikes ill people, who she is there to protect the actual healthcare staff from ever seeing. Thinks *she* should be diagnosing and treating all the patients, so they can’t waste an HCP’s time. Her diagnostic skills are so super-advanced that she will frequently send people off to the GUM clinic on the other side of town (without telling them what it is) if they ask ‘Can I see a doctor urgently please’ in the wrong tone of voice.
Permanently annoyed & tells you you are doing it wrong, whether you attempt precise instructions ‘I need a doctor appointment not a nurse this time please’, state problem ‘I dunno, my toe’s turned green & ouchy, do I need to see someone’? Expects every patient to have a precise knowledge of the NHS system, stonewalls anyone who does not say the magic codewords, but is furiously angry with anyone who does.
The *only* way to get Dorothy to do anything you might need her to do, such as type up a one-paragraph letter which you’ve been waiting for twelve weeks now to get and are about to be chucked out of uni / housing / benefits over not having, is to tell her you are going to use the formal complaints procedure if she doesn’t get it done in another two weeks. She may well then threaten to call the police because you are being ‘aggressive’, and read out your mental medical notes to the entire waiting room to show what a dangerous evil aggressive unreasonable mentalist you are, even if you are sat quietly radiating more calm tranquility than the Dalai Lama. But don’t worry, her vindictiveness settings are already at maximum, so she can’t make life any more difficult for you than she already does.
This is all receptionists, isn’t it?
Well no, to be fair. I know some good ‘uns. And some dorks.
I thought the very same thing!
Sounds like the receptionist in ‘Adrian Mole: The Prostrate [sic] Years’. From the same litter as a consultant psychiatrist’s secretary I had the misfortune to know who was referred to by medics and nurses, let alone mentalists and relatives, as THE DRAGON (~shudder~).
Musclebound Melvin – a sub-species, OT crossed with a physio, a fitness instructor. Not technically a slaphead, actually a nice chap, just looks un-nerving due to the fact his body is so well-developed he now looks like a condom that’s been stuffed with wallnuts.