FAQ

FAQ: Foolish And Questioning

Last modified on 2007-10-14 19:03:14 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

[This is a very old page. As part of a reorganisation I have put it here as a normal post. I will try and review it and keep it up to date. People tend not me ask me stupid questions any more ... Mental]
Foolish And Questioning

Questions I get asked quite a lot about Mental Health Nursing. None of which are actually from people that have had any involvement.

• Do you get in fights with them all the time ?

Yes. Every day is like a trip to a war zone. We keep riot shields, helmets and big batons in our lockers. If our clients are feeling too timid we bait them until they become violent; then we fight them.

• Do you let them out ?

Very rarely. Though sometimes after a ward riot we need to get some of them to hospital. In which case we use hand cuffs and special hug-yourself jackets. The hug-yourself jackets comes with a special handle on the back allowing us to throw them into the back of a white van.

• What are they like ?

Not like normal people at all. They are nothing like us. You could tell one on a street if you walked past him or her. They laugh, scream, shout and drool all the time. They talk loudly to themselves and all think they are Napoleon. None of them are normal people who have simply been unlucky or abused by life. Anybody who is not screaming and drooling is a time wasting malingerer who should get off their bum and get a job.

• Have you ever worked with someone like… ?

(Here the FAQer normally names some perverse cannibalistic murderer that’s been on the news recently.)

Yes. All the time. They’re all like that. Every day I go to work I am sure it is going to be my last, but what can I do it is the meaningless brutality that makes it fun. It is certainly not true that they’re far more likely to be a victim of violent crime than they are to commit it.

• …why did they let him out ?

(naming above loon)

Well he had probably stopped trying to murder people and eat them for five minutes. The services obviously thought he was cured and discharged him, quite deliberately, into the community without any support. Why not ? There are too many people anyway.

• Am I mad ?

No you’re just plain stupid.

• Are Nurses Good Looking ?

Well this is quite complex. Younger sick kids nurses are all pretty, when they get older they look like your mum. Thankfully they don’t all look like the same persons mum otherwise they would be hard to tell apart. General nurses are averagely good looking. Until they become matrons when they become hatchet faced and look like Norman Tebbit. Learning Disability and Mental Health nurses tend towards the ugly, with mental health having the edge. Which does not matter as we are not proper nurses. We also mostly smell of wee and or nicotine. All branches of nursing are very happy that we are not as Troll like as midwives.

[For those without any sense of irony or ability to detect sarcasm I really really hope you skipped to the end first. I really hope the views expressed above do not belong to anyone. Converted to regular post 5 July 07]