Forum

As a prelude to this, I'd like to say that I'm basically OK. I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I find it difficult to trust people, and expressing my emotions is difficult. I'm basically happy, though, and I have friends and a productive life, so it's not so bad.

My childhood was characterised by severe constant emotional abuse from my mother, with a side of neglect from my father (though he did continue to bring us in a nice middle-class income). I was also sexually abused by one of my (female) primary school teachers, though that wasn't as harmful to me, I think, because I never really liked or trusted the teacher. I didn't tell my family until I was an adult, though, because I knew my mother would make it into my fault.

At the age of 7, I attempted suicide. I tried to saw into my left wrist using the carving knife stored in the bottom drawer of the kitchen. It was 10pm and my normal method of crying myself to sleep hadn't been effective.  Luckily for me now (though I didn't think about it that way at the time) the knife was blunter than a butter knife and so all I managed to do was inflict some bruises. I didn't tell anyone about this at the time, because I knew that no one was to be trusted (my mother had told me so) and all they'd do was hurt me.

Aged 13, I took an overdose. Fortunately, it was a small overdose of sertraline, so all that happened is I ran around frantically for a few days. I didn't know the dose/drug was non-lethal though when I took it- I remembered that my sister had nearly died of an antidepressant overdose when I was 3. I did tell this to the high school psychologist who I was in contact with at the time (I was seeing her because I was withdrawn and socially isolated at school, although I was achieving fine academically). She referred me on to CAMHS in my area.

Between the ages of 13-15 I was a patient of the CAMHS, mostly by a clinical psychologist though I saw the psychiatrist occasionally. I had a major depressive episode shortly after I turned 14, where I never turned up to school before 11am (I was still in bed), I lost 8kg due to not eating (on an already skinny frame), I didn't complete homework (and indeed as soon as I got home from the half-day of school I had attended, I went to bed). I lived in fear for my life, as well as my mental health- at this point my mother was frequently running around threatening me and others with frying pans and knives. I often moved my dressing table to cover the door of my bedroom so my mother couldn't get in. I was forbidden to talk to my older sister, who had been up until this point my only adult ally. CAMHS were aware of all of this, as was the adult mental health service my mother was a patient of.

I recently got a copy of my medical records. My discharge diagnoses were Adjustment Disorder and Severe Family Dysfunction.

Knowing all this, why did no one ever think to get a social worker involved, get the Department of Child Protection to scope out the place and the situation me and my brother were living in? Are death threats (from someone who has previously attempted to murder one of her children) not serious enough to warrant intervention? I'm not even saying we should have been removed from the home (though we probably should have been), but shouldn't someone have at least assessed what was going on?

Up until now, I have been so angry with my mother and father for causing and ignoring the abuse, but I feel that the system failed me and my brother pretty badly too (as well as my 3 older siblings a few years earlier). Where were the people who were meant to protect us?

BristolMichael: It had it's good points, like my "borderline" sister who never failed to let me know that I was loved no matter what. I could have done much worse, she was practically like a second mother to me.